The person I'm likely to be

I read these words attributed to the author Reynolds Price, when he was in his thirties; "This is it. I'm now the person I'm likely to be...from here to the end."

"Wow", I thought, "Could that even be true?" For most of us, so much changes over the next 40 to 50 decades. For some, including Price, devastating events change our lives in dramatic, unforseen ways. There could be great joys, or opportunities that open up an entire new world. For many of the young adults in this CNY town, at 30, they have done almost nothing other than attending school. Life, real life, has hardly made a mark on them yet.

So I began to wonder. Who was I at 30, and where am I now 3 decades later?

See the girl in the picture? She is a young farm woman with two preschool daughters, two teenage stepsons, a husband, a barn full of cows, and an off farm job. This relaxed moment is at Vacation Bible School, which she teaches while on vacation from her off farm job. What you can't see in the picture is our two girls dressed as honey bees. The VBS offering is going to Heiffer Project to buy hives of bees for needy families.

What I remember clearly from these times is how, about Wednesday, I would volunteer for all kinds of things, not realizing that my energetic feelings were the result of several full nights of sleep in a row. By Friday I would be having panic attacks at the idea of returning to my 3am job. In February of this year, overwhelmed with physical work, and lack of sleep, it was all I could do to NOT commit suicide.

Holiday Retail

Did I mention I hate retail?

Not completely of course, but I hate the idea that our duty is to shop. National holiday? Go shopping. Got a day off? Go shopping. Can't sleep? Go shopping.

Did I mention I work retail?

Your three day weekend, means I lose a day off, so you can shop.

That's not completely fair on my part.

 I lose a day off because one of my coworkers is on vacation. She wants a vacation when her family and friends are off work for the holiday weekend (go figure). They don't work retail. That's the way it works. If someone wants a day off, you cover them in the hopes that someday they will cover you. So in effect, you don't have any vacation - you would work fewer days in a year if you did not take your vacation. What you have is the opportunity to work more hours, so that someday, you can get hours off when you want them. Of course in the office I worked in, vacation meant, working like heck for 2 weeks to get everything done ahead of time before vacation, and then working like crazy to catch up once you get back. Sort of like housework when you go away for the weekend and leave your teenagers home, or your husband.
Wouldn't it be nice if there were a few days a year when everyone was off? We'll leave out religious holidays to be fair to everyone. Let's say one day a quarter.
Presidents' Day, Memorial Day, Independence Day, Labor Day and Thanksgiving. Maybe Thanksgiving is a religious holiday. I think of it as a National Holiday.  We could change that to Election Day.
Four days that no one works except emergency personnel. And let's compensate those essential people well for giving up their day off. Four days, to sleep late, relax over breakfast, put your feet up and read a book or the newspaper. Cuddle with your honey and your kids, or the dog and cat. Take a long soaking bath. Four days with out rushing around.

Song and Journey

One of my earliest posts was about a rock in a stream, the chaos it caused, and suffered.
Today I came upon this quote. It has a slightly different take.

I'm paraphrasing, and I'm not sure who said it, Marianne Williamson or Joseph Campbell, something like..

"When the shit hits the fan, you know you're work has started."

Sleep in the City

Sleeping in the city has proved to be a major hurdle for me. I live across the street from a bar, on a street that is heavily used by commuters, on a hill, with a stop sign. On a good day this means it will be quiet from around midnight until the newspaper delivery guy races around the block at 330. Then there is a break until 5ish when commuter traffic starts.

Wake Up and Smell the Coffee

I saw this ad for an activity to fund clean water projects, while raising awareness about poverty. The idea is to give up all the various beverages you drink in a day, and drink only water. Then you take the money you save and give it to a clean water project. Sounds like a great idea.
I drink coffee almost entirely, and I brew my own. I'm only spending about $10 a week, when I buy organic, Fair Trade beans, and then the cost of about a quart of milk a week. So, no group will be getting rich off of me. I figure with coffee at restaurants, etc, maybe $20 a week. That will be helpful to someone, and will break me of a reflexive coffee habit.
Actually doing this makes my coffee addiction sound worse than it is. The problem is that I can't drink anything else but plain water. I can't reach for tea, not even herbal, or juice or milk. I'm already cheating by putting Stevia leaves in my water.
So even though I went from 6-10 cups in a day, to 1 cup, my complaining makes me sound like a Heroin addict in withdrawal, to my family.
Here's a poem I wrote on day 1:

1030 and I am already unjazzed.

Give me decaf,

I'll be fine

I miss that steaming, black gold, love that

starts with the aroma

and the warmth goes from hands to face

down to my soul

eliminating stress

and pain.

What will I do now?

A cup of coffee, has been my reward for the early A.M. dog walk. I drag myself out of bed, get dressed, put on parka, gloves, hood and tour the neighborhood, knowing that at home the rich aroma of fresh perked coffee awaits me, and that body warming first cup. Coffee has been my reward for finishing onerous household tasks, completing paperwork, paying bills, shoveling snow. 

In the summer this would not be such a problem. 

The idea of a cold, icy, glass of water could be just as appealing.

Not so much in winter.

So, it's two more days to launch

and then I am off all beverages 

but water until April 8th. 

Who knows, by then, I might be a new person.

Untouchable

How often do you touch another human being? How often are you touched by another person?
Perhaps you are a parent of young children, or you have a lover, or you are a caregiver. This question then may seem very weird to you.

I am an untouchable. I am fat - who wants to touch that. I'm old, but not old enough to be considered non-sexual. I am a woman who has worked her entire life in a male dominated industry, where touch has become dangerous. I am a NY'er, our reserve is legendary. I am a recent emigre' so I do not have a history with the other folks in my community.

Listening to an interview with Russell Banks about his book Lost Memory of Skin, it dawned on me how easy it is for me to go a whole day without touching anyone. Not even accidently. Though I work directly interacting with the public, I mostly never touch them. If it happens it is the accidental touch of our fingers as I hand them their change.

How common is this? Certainly I can think of other outcasts in our community who probably find this to be true. The smelly homeless guy. The crazy street lady. But how common is this amongst people who seem to lead ordinary lives? And what does it mean for society that it is so prevalent?

I am nervous to mention that almost all of my human contact is with children. Will you assume I am a pedophile? Or will you recognize that I am a Grandmother whose grandchildren are still young enough to freely hug an old lady?

Mirror Image

I came upon this review for a new book, "The Woman in the Mirror" by Cynthia Bulik PhD.

Many women-regardless of income, size, shape, ethnicity, and age-are uncomfortable in their own skin. We fixate on our body image and try endless diets, implants, hair extensions, and new shoes, but it's never enough. The problem is that girls and women have been socialized to mistakenly conflate body esteem and self-esteem. Body esteem refers to how you think and feel about your physical appearance: your size, shape, hair, and features. Self-esteem refers to how you think and feel about your personality, your role in relationships, your accomplishments, and your values-everything that contributes to who you are as a person.

So far - so good.

The Woman in the Mirror goes beyond typical self-esteem books to dig deep into the origins of women's problems with body image. Psychologist Cynthia Bulik guides readers in the challenging task of disentangling self-esteem from body esteem, and taking charge of the insidious negative self-talk that started as early as when you first realized you didn't really look like a fairy princess. By reprogramming how we feel about ourselves and our bodies, we can practice healthy eating and sensible exercise, and focus on the many things we have to offer our family, community, and job. Bulik provides us the tools to reclaim our self-confidence and to respect and love who we are.

Wait - what was that?

By reprogramming how we feel about ourselves and our bodies, we can practice healthy eating and sensible exercise....              

Did anyone proof read this review?

So in the end - if you by this book - you too can be skinny and fit.

So much for disentangling our self-esteem from our body esteem.