Christmas for Soprano Recorder

For Christmas, my son, gave a recorder and instruction booklets to me and my two grandchildren (note: neither of these children are his, nor do they live near him). If you are not familiar with the recorder, it is a small plastic flute like instrument that is played similarly to a clarinet. It is prone to squeaking. It can be very loud. It is difficult to play quietly. My grandchildren are seven years old. 

I live in a very small studio apartment in the upstairs of a house. My landlord, a dignified middle age man, lives in the rest of the house. The walls are so thin we sometimes find ourselves whistling the same tune.

My eldest daughter and my grandaughter live in a small four unit apartment building. It seems to be well insulated. I don't usually hear what her neighbors are up to except in the summer when everyone's windows are open. My daughter does not tolerate noise or discord well at all.

My grandson and his Mom live upstairs in a duplex home she owns. This daughter embodies chaos. The downstairs tenants are young men in their twenties whose tastes run to vidieo games like Halo and the guitar game.

Who do you suppose will kill my son first?

a) my landlord

b) daughter number one

c) daughter number one's neighbors?

I'll keep you posted.....

What's to Come?

A terrifying thought came to me the other day.  I thought about what my daughters' answers would be if I asked them "how many marriages do you know that have worked?". I did ask my oldest and my fears were confirmed when I saw her face screw up in thought. Now - given that they are old enough to consider whether or not a marriage is "working" whether or not the coupe has stayed married. Still, at their age, I would have had to think hard to think of marriages that had failed. That's quite a change in one generation.

Growing up there were no divorces in the extended family I knew. I didn't have a friend from a divorced home until I was in 7th grade. I did have several friends who were living with widowed parents. Our parents were the WWII generation so that's not so surprising.

What does this mean in terms of the future? Certainly marriage has not been killed by the prospect of same sex marriage. We hetero's have done a bang up job of killing our marriages all by ourselves. 

What happened?

Is there hope or is marriage an un-natural state?

Is there a new marriage formula in the winds?

What are/will be the expectations of today's children?

Touch

What does it mean to be touched? How does it change one? And how does how we are touched change us? What is the effect of who touches us in what ways?
I recently experienced two instances of being touched that made me ask these questions. We have all heard and read about the devastating effects of being touched sexually by the wrong person, at the wrong age or in a wrong way. In these cases I am reflecting on appropriate touch by welcomed persons, in non-sexual circumstances.
I was busy at work one afternoon when a former co-worker, whom I consider a friend, came into our building. He walked up beside me, put his arm around my shoulder, his head near mine and gave me a hug. I was struck by the warmth and intimacy of the hug. It was truly friendly. It was not the perfunctory hug we often give to friends, this person was glad to see me again.
The other episode happened at my church after I had been away traveling for several months. There were hugs all around from my friends whom I had surprised by coming home at least a month early. My women friends squealed and giggled accordingly. There were the warm quick hugs allowed between married friends after we all reach a certain age.
One gentleman took my face in his hands, looked me in the face and smiled. Those three actions made the difference. How long had it been since someone other than my grandchildren had touched my face? How often do we really look at someone in the face? How often do we really look at someone and smile at them?
A divorced friend of mine said the first thing she had to learn was that she would not die if she had no one to hold and touch her. Of course infants will die. They can be provided with every nourishment they need, but without touch they will languish and die. I disagree with my friend. I believe adults also languish and die in a way without touch. We become distorted in some way. As adults we have the ability to substitute the touch of an animal, a warm bath or ourselves. Without a positive substitution we become bitter, closed off from ourselves and others, and very lonely.
The current attention is on inappropriate touch, and Lord knows there is way to much of that, but think what a pat on the back, a soft touch on the arm or a smile might do for those we meet through our day. If touch might be considered an invasion of propriety, then try looking at your friend, customer, co-worker, in the face and smile. Perhaps we should start each day doing the same for ourselves. Look yourself in the mirror and smile. It might be the best medicine you'll have all day. And hey - a hug might be nice too.

A New Person

We are home a month early from our retreat to the south. Yeah the temperatures are colder and we have had a little snow but it is good to be home to our peaceful rural town with little or no traffic and lots of quiet. And good to be in easy reach of our Grankids.

It has been difficult for me to deal with almost nothing to do. Hey how long does it take to clean an RV from stem to stern? I have been crocheting for charity and family and have taught myself to knit, but even that feels like sloughing off after years of working long hours.

Yesterday I felt like a new woman. In the north we have the luxury of hooking up on a large piece of property owned by our friends. We are close enough to easily be together and far enough to have privacy and alone time. I have been given the gift of a large chunk of ground to garden. Yesterday was my first day to play in the dirt. 

I am cleaning out a section around some trees and adding the ground around the water hook up so it doesn't need to be mowed. Plans are for an area for each of the grandkids, a sandbox and swing set, a place for the picnic table, flowers, some veggies and to clean up around the berry bushes.

I feel alive and with a sense of purpose. I love working out of doors and I love gardening. My husband loves being left alone in front of the TV set. I sat out until late at night by the campfire and today the Grands are coming to play in the dirt too. Life is good!

The State of Daycare

What is it with the state of daycare? At least in my part of the country. For one thing they are open limited hours so that if you work a regular 40 hour week it is very difficult to get there in time to pick your child up after work, and heaven forbid if your boss needs you to do overtime, or if you work nontraditional hours.
The biggest puzzle to me is how often they are closed. In our county most daycares are closed EVERY time that the public schools are closed. Holidays, snow days, vacations, parent-teacher conference, etc. Just at the time when the need for daycare swells, most of the daycares close, and most employers will not let you bring your child to work with you, often for good reasons.
Now how many people can take off that much time from work? Even if you used all your sick, optional and vacation days? Not to mention that you would then not have the days to use if you or your child are sick.
This has become a major problem for my children since Gandma and Grampa don't live in the same town anymore. The kids try to swap off as much as they can but that puts a strain on the one who works nights, as she can nap when her own child is home but not when both kids are there.
The schools have after school programs but not enough to cover all the children who need them, and that does not help with the days school is closed.
Are there communities out there who have solved this problem? I'd like to hear about them

Fuzzy Logic

As you can see I have not been on-line for a while and have fallen behind on my writing. I haven't exactly started my new life either. A bout with a particularly nasty bacteria requiring an incision and potent antibiotics and pain killers has left me struggling to concentrate on anything for more than a few minutes at a time. I managed to literally plow my way through a couple of easy books, but that's all. Yesterday was the first day I didn't sleep most of the afternoon away.
I really can't complain much. I received very good emergency health care from some wonderful people who helped me to relax and get through some painful experiences. Being sick while away from home brings it's own concerns but I must say everything went very well and they even handled my insurance company.
It is interesting how bad an antibiotic can make you feel. There is of course the upset stomach, but also tiredness and a foggy brain. I'm not sure how much of that is from the infection and how much from the drugs.
I do not have experience with recreational drugs. I am too afraid of losing control. I do have experience with prescription drugs for depression. I can't recommend any of them. They all seem to make me sleepy. I always tell the doctor ," I can be lazy all on my own, what I need is something to get me going". I have a feeling I would love uppers, but so far have not tried them other than being a coffee freak, and an adrenalin junkie. I always wait til the last minute and then the pressure of a deadline usually gets me going.
So here's to good health and clear thinking, may you have it and enjoy it.

Retirement Rag

The first day of the rest of my life was almost a week ago. As I remember it was a day filled with promise and warm fuzzy memories, as well as the flurry of last minute packing and travel plans. Now, a week later, I am just returning to the task of my new life.
I have just retired after 26 years with a major company. A small fish in the small pool of the local office. Well known for my tenacity and ability to solve small problems. What's wrong with the copier, where are the labels for this printer, this program isn't working , etc? Also well known for speaking my opinion and fighting for my vision of fairness or ethics. Hence, still the small fish.
I had a wonderful send off by my coworkers. Lots of heartfelt warm wishes. Suggestions on where to go and what to see. Gifts of road atlases with destinations highlighted and one with directions on how to get back home.
Now it's time to start living that new life, and I am afraid I am going to botch it up as much as I did the first one. My husband who retired several years ago is all about doing nothing. He calls it doing whatever he wants and if that happens to be nothing, then to hell with it. I am concerned with not accomplishing anything.
There is so much I want to do, things to see, people to meet, activities to try. I am afraid I will be caught up in this relaxed atmosphere and wake up to find I am eighty years old and dying, and still not have made a difference.
So...on to the fray. Get something done...... For goodness sake, at least put on my sneakers and go for a walk......Talk to you later

Marriage: contract or covenant?

Do you see marriage as a contract (1) or as a covenant (2)? I am not saying that one or the other type of marriage is necessarily better than the other. The problem would likely come if one partner sees it as business and the other sees it as covenant. Of course there are some “marriages” that are completely for business and I suppose my use of parentheses betrays my prejudice. “Now wait a minute” you say. “We're in love! We're not in some kind of business deal!” I think it is the fog of love that keeps us from recognizing and reconciling our different points of view.
Even with premarital counseling we may not recognize our differences in attitudes, or even understand our own. After thirty years of marriage this thought has just come to me. I would have said that marriage is spiritual, but what does that mean?
I might have said that marriage is an endeavor(3) like climbing a mountain. Once we have undertaken climbing Mt. Everest, we will go to extreme lengths to see that everyone makes it back down alive. I don't think there is much haggling over the fine print at twenty thousand feet. “I hired you to carry a seventy pound pack and now you have a broken leg – you're fired!”
In an endeavor we put ourselves all out. We risk injury and loss. We accept pain and bruising. (I am not advocating acceptance of physical abuse here) Think of an athlete who trains hard and works to avoid injury, but also works through injuries when they happen.
Joseph Campbell said, “Marriage is not a simple love affair, it's an ordeal, and the ordeal is the sacrifice of ego to a relationship in which two have become one.”(4) My interpretation is that the marriage is the greater idea to which both parties sacrifice themselves in covenant. Marriage is the endeavor. Marriage is the mountain we climb. And of course not all endeavors are successful. Not everyone makes it to the summit. Or perhaps those endeavors are successful even though the proposed goal was not achieved. Perhaps the endeavor is in the work, not the goal.
In an individual marriage we may not think about how the trappings reflect our beliefs. Was the marriage in a church because that's where marriages happen or because the church was an integral part of our concept of marriage? Perhaps the marriage was officiated by a minister though not in a church. Were these decisions purposefully made or made to appease someone? Was the marriage a quickie wedding in Las Vegas but in our heart was a commitment to a higher purpose. There are many reasons why our marriage ceremony may or may not have been in a particular setting. The question is were we, or are we, aware of the psychological context in which we and our partner entered the marriage.
I think these distinctions may not come to the forefront until serious difficulties enter the relationship. Recognizing the differences or similarities in our attitudes toward marriage can help us in coming to terms with the issues. It helps to know if we are on the same page or not. It may help to recognize whether reconciliation is possible or not.
So, this is an invitation to think about it. What page are you on? Are you sure? How about your partner, or partner to be? Has your perspective changed over the years?

(1) contract – Definition: An voluntary agreement between two or more parties to provide specified goods or services in exchange for some payment. (oldmbherald.com)
(2) covenant – Covenant begins with a promise – not to a set of conditions- but to a person. A covenant is a promise of love, loyalty and faithfulness. A covenant precedes, and is larger than, the covenanting parties. They do not negotiate the terms of the covenant. Rather , they acknowledge and commit themselves to terms that are already there in the nature of the covenant relationship. (oldmbherald.com)
(3) endeavor - Definition: An exertion of physical or intellectual strength toward the attainment of an object; a systematic or continuous attempt; an effort; a trial (ardictionary.com)
(4)http://thinkexist.com/quotation/marriage_is_not_a_simple_love_affair-it-s_an/254585.html)

I am a rock large and heavy solid in the stream bed
water pouring around me I see the turmoil I created?
And worry I can't see what is wrong yet I feel
responsible

This photograph calls to me. It seems representative of my life. I am a big heavy rock planted in the middle of the stream. The world surges around me and bubbles up in front of me. I am helpless to stop the chaos, and yet I am the cause of the chaos. Am I where I belong? Is it my job to stir things up? Or do I just enjoy it. If I enjoy it, and at many levels I must admit I do, then I must accept that I am the cause of the turmoil that I dislike also.
I keep thinking of the other stones in the stream that do not disrupt the flow. Those pictures of water slipping tranquilly over pebbles and sand. Why can't I be like those? Serene. Peaceful. Then my ire comes up and I view them with disdain. They have given up, warn down, bested by the water, smothered in sand. But then again, perhaps they are each doing their part. I know that they affect the flow also. Together their effect adds up, they support each other.
How do we know when to be the rock in the stream and when to snuggle down and take as well as lend support? How do we know if we are creating havoc, or protecting something from it?
I have begun to listen to “A Course in Miracles” again. The recent lessons have been on recognizing that what we see around us is our creation. We have created what we fear/wish to destroy. It is not really there. Yet I know that if I turn and see a child reaching into a fire, I need to intervene, it is not enough to say it is an illusion.

Turn Off the Damn Lights

Last night was a beautiful warm spring night. Not bad for the 8th of January. Close to 50F and still. Our apartment was very warm due to the fact that the downstairs tenant keeps hers like a sauna. We were relegated to opening windows to keep the temperature below 75F. At around 3am I escaped to the deck because my head had turned to concrete.
The deck looks out over an open field, the lake, and the hills beyond. The sky was mostly clear and the stars were out. The view was ruined by the abundance of lights left burning, and I must admit one of them was ours.

I can see probably 20 miles of the hillside across the lake and 10 or so of shoreline. The section directly across from me was marred by bright lights on porches and over front doors and a section of street light size lamps along the lake. The lights along the lake were the new brighter pink lamps that I have always found annoying.
The next section of hillside also had it's smattering of lights. Each was less bright. I think the difference was the use of regular light bulbs vs. floodlights. A little further up it was almost black, and then further up, where I believe there is another town, the lights were bright again.
I wished the lights could be turned off so that I could see the sky better, and so that it would be generally more peaceful. Every time I see one of those satellite photos that show the lights burning on earth it angers me to no end. What the hell are we so afraid of? Isn't the waste of money and fuel and the impending effects of global warming more frightening?
When I was a kid we lived at the end of a dead end road. There was a street light at the end in town, but no others. At the time the only houses were the ones that had been there forever. They were either set back from the road, or behind tall trees, often evergreens. Our house stood back on a long drive way.
At night if there was no moon and the clouds covered the stars, it became dark very fast. We thought nothing of it. We could sense the opening between the trees, and if we got too close to the edge of the road by foot or bicycle ,we would feel the gravel and move back onto the roadway.
When I was in junior high they began to build a development at the end of the road. Fifteen houses built on a swamp that buried two cement trucks and more than one foundation. One day on the school bus the local rowdies were bragging about traveling through construction sights like this breaking windows and stealing things. I questioned that nothing like this was happening on my street. They looked at me incredulously and said “Are you kidding? It's dark down there!”. Darkness was our protection. Light and shadow make for hiding places.
I have often wondered about the policy of leaving so many lights on in storefronts overnight that one can't tell if the business is opened or closed. If I was driving by at 3am and saw someone inside, I would assume it was someone cleaning or stocking shelves.
So turn off the damn lights. Save energy, money and resources, and see the sky for a change.

More on HEARING the story

Last time I talked about hearing the story of baby Jesus escape to Egypt in a new way. This week I have been watching archived video casts from Bill Moyers' series on Faith and Reason. http://www.pbs.org/moyers/faithandreason/index.html

I was listening to the the interview with Ann Provost, a Belgian writer who was speaking of hearing the story of Noah from the perspective of those left behind. http://www.pbs.org/moyers/faithandreason/portraits_provoost.html

Her interest was particularly with the innocent such as children and animals. She spoke of a children's book by Peter Spier. In Mr Spier's "Noah's Ark", she described a series of illustrations of the animals left behind on the beach. At first you see that their feet are wet. The next frame shows all water except for the tip of the elephant's trunk and the giraffe's nostrils. And the next frame is just water. I have not seen the book yet and I am wondering about the effect these illustrations have on children. Perhaps the tone of the book, like other Bible stories for children (and adults) leads to a blind acceptance of this horrible fate.
She asks why didn't the adults or at least some of these "righteous" people give up their spot on the ark for a child? And some might say, why not leave the animals off and take many children?
Let me say here that I neither take the story of Noah's Ark literally, nor do I dismiss it. I don't know whether it is simply a story told by men trying to make sense of a past event, or a moral fable that gives us a way to think of disasters in general. I believe the Bible gives us opportunities to think about and relate to God and our world, but it is not a blueprint with exact measurements and descriptions of how things did or will happen.
Let's suppose that the effects of global warming, if allowed to continue, will lead to a disaster of Biblical proportions. Some people will listen to the warnings and prepare. Some will ignore them. Some will hope for a miracle.
Who would you save? And what would be the practicalities of your preparations. You would have to limit who and what you take by issues of space, needs and skills. If you filled your ark with children, who would care for them? If only animals, who would care for them? The ark is a mixture of saving family, saving those who can care for the ark and the animals, and those who can tend to the animals and plants after the water recedes and replenish the earth.
It is also possible that the story is about Noah's ark, and that other arks or method's of surviving also existed.
Because the story is presented as an event that God creates out of the blue, we also want God to wave a magic wand and save the innocent. Like global warming, or Hurricane Katrina, these disasters do not come out of the blue. We do have warnings. And the innocent suffer because we don't heed the warnings.